Looking Back (Original post 7-14-2005)

Seven months past my 10^th birthday.

I didn't know it was an American holiday. My aunt took me out for some ice cream, then to a place on a hill, near by U.S. Army base. We were holding hands, and sitting on the hill. I saw around us a lot of American people. I grew up in the area where there were a lot of Americans, so it wasn't an odd site, but we were the only Koreans around. I wondered why everyone was there. The sun sets into 'Yellow Sea' leaving calming soft orange glare into the clouds high above the skies. then the glare dims and dims until the stars start sparkling behind the high clouds. then I hear a thunderous boom noise, then the skies lit up with shiny bright crystals. It was the first time I ever witnessed fireworks. For the next fifteen minutes or so, I saw the skies light up with bright yellows, reds, greens, and the whole spectrum of bright rainbow sparkles. My aunt tells me when I go to America, every July 4^th, there will be fireworks where I will be living. She asked me, every time I saw the fireworks, especially the red ones, she asked me to think about her and that night. Every time I see red fireworks, I do think about her. It doesn't have to be 4^th of July. Just the red ones. It reminds me of her and that night. I didn't realize that she wasn't going to be around much longer, before she suddenly died of aneurysm.

When someone we love dies, we don't always expect them to die. We never know if that one time you see them, is going to be the last time you see them. That's why I will hug you tight, every time we say good bye even if I will see you again that evening. I do this. I do this every time.

I was to leave the country I loved for 10 years in five days. Just the day before, I spent the entire day with 2 of my best best friends. We hopped on the bus, took it until the last final stop, where it was out of the city and beginning of the rural part. We made fun of the farmers. We saw big huge cows. Working cows that had some equipment tied to it, and working. The farmer was roasted by the sun, with big huge hat and some raggedy clothes. We watched for about half an hour, sitting on the corner, and he walked up to us. He lit up the cigarette and asked us, why, you kids don't look like you're from around here, where are you from? Soon Jae answered, our friend is leaving Korea in few days, and we wanted to get away from the city, and see the rural area before he left. The sun charred guy looked at me, and asked me were I was headed to. I said Sir, my family and I are moving to Chicago. He shakes his head. I asked him why, and he says its a rough area where kid your age cant walk off and visit rural areas like you can here. I asked him why, and he says that in America, kids cant do things as they can in Korea.

I always wondered what he meant by that. Now I do.

My friends and I hung out all day, eating foods that they were selling out of a little cart. And at the end of the day, we all got on the bus back to civilization. We all got off where my friends lived, and I had to wait for a different bus to my aunts. This was the place where I had to say good bye. It was the final time Id see either of my best friends, Soon Jae, and Gyoo Chul. I knew that.

I saw my bus few blocks down. It was coming my way, and I had to say good bye. I promised myself not to let them see me cry, but I couldn't keep that promise. I hugged Gyoo Chul first. The stubborn one that I fought with many many times. He played with my favorite toys and we used to get in fights. He was the stubborn but the strong one. The day we moved out of the condo, I gave him most of my toy collection that he loved playing with.

I hugged him and I said, take care of Soon Jae. And then I turned to Soon Jae. I already saw few drops of his tears rolling down his cheeks. And I felt mine rolling down. I gave him a tight hug, and he broke out balling. I held him and I said don't you ever forget us, and were going to keep in touch, and well be friends forever. He didn't say a word. He couldn't.

I felt the bus stop behind me, and I heard the hi pitch screeching noise of the doors opening. I let go of Soon Jae, I turn to Gyoo Chul and he didnt look at me. He wouldn't turn to me to see me one last time. That was the first time I saw him crying and I never got to see him crying. But I knew. I saw both of them through my tears one last time, and I climbed onto the bus.

The doors close, and as we moved, I looked out the window and I saw them giving each other a hug. And I sat in the seat with wall of tears covering my eyes.

It was going to be the most painful bus ride of my life. But I made it through. I remember a pretty high school student in school uniform with bright red hat on the other side of the bus coming over to sit next to me. She gave me her hanky and she wiped away my tears. I remember the hanky.. it was soft and smelled like Acacia. I looked at her through tear stained eyes and she gave me the most comforting hug. She didn't ask why I was crying. Its like, she knew. She hugged me and hugged me, and I didn't let go. I couldn't let go. Then she had her arms around me, held my hand and we didn't say one thing to each other. and I cried.. and cried..

My bus stop came by, and I hugged her one more time. I remember saying thank you, but her eyes were now covered in tears, and we never had a good direct eye contact.

I don't know why she cried, but I knew she was feeling a bit of what I was feeling. Maybe she was suffering from a broken heart. I'm not sure. She made my painful bus ride little less painful. She touched and comforted my heart.

Now here I am, 2005. Summer of 1979 has a lot of similarities of this one. I'm facing a major change in my life, and dealing with fear of unknown. My parents back then, told me Id be happier in America. Everyone around me tells me now, that Id be happier with the divorce.

26 years later, I'm not sure if I'm better off by being here in America.

26 years from today, I know that I'd be better off with this divorce.

Changes are hard.

It was hard, having to leave a country and the ones i loved.

It is going to be hard, leaving someone I love so much.